1. First of all never admit there is a revolution, always refer to the revolution as “the incidents”, “the events” or “the demonstrations”.
2. Always make fun of the rebels: the way they talk, the way they express their ideas or the way they comb their hair!
3. Always refer to the rebels as: the innocent youth, innocence suggests lack of experience which might mean: ignorance! It also alienates elderly rebels: old men should never revolt, ever!
4. Always refer to the ousted dictator as the ex-president and to justify this say: “I’m glad we finally have an ex-president”.
5. Know that equality, freedom, social justice. fraternity or bread are Masonic concepts.
6. Anyone demanding any of the above mentioned ideas is either a Freemason or a deluded prick.
7. Always join groups on facebook that support the so called revolution. Whenever you have a chance post a confusing remark, a conspiracy theory, a gloomy prediction or a song by Amr Diab. Tamer Hosny is a “No” for now. We must still think of a way to regain his popularity after he got bitch slapped in Tahrir!
8. Always believe in the effect of the word “economy” on people, say everywhere how bad the economic situation of the country has become. Don’t mention any profits you made in the stock market or any increase in your companies export rates.
9. Ask people to help turn the wheel of production thus helping the economy. Claim you personally got hernia while blowing the bloody wheel then curse Tahrir and hold your crotch and look in pain!
10. Whenever you hear that people demonstrate on Fridays ask those around you: “do those people have any work”?
11. Baradei is a spy, a war lord, a non believer and a thief. Hate him. And make sure you tell people around you the truth about this American Agent!
12. When praying in Mostafa Mahmoud on Fridays try not to mingle with those around you. They are all hired thugs from Boulaq. Yet, try to look sincere and sorry.
13. Here on: Talaat Zakareya and Adel Imam are your idols. Make sure you talk in favor of their new movies. If people criticize you mention Afaf Shoeib’s new series!
14. When few people are around you, and they look sympathetic enough, call Mubarak: baba, then cry making sure your shoulders swing violently as you hide your face with your hands.
15. If you’re constipated blame Tahrir.
16. Know this and say it out loud: I love Amr Moussa.
17. Here on: you’re diet is based on beef ribs and pizza.
18. As you have said “yes” to the referendum, always remind people that those who said “No” are against Islam and against stability. People hate blasphemy and turmoil.
19. When heading to the Airport: praise the man who supervised building it. Then sigh, and look thoughtful. Teary eyes at this moment is a killer, so practice!
20. Here on: any bearded man is your enemy. well, even Santa!
21. Whenever something bad happens say: didn’t I tell you? to the person next to you. don’t worry no one remembers what you say!
22. Tell your friends that you’re considering leaving the country. Make sure they believe you. It’s trendy to escape nowadays to Europe.
23. Your picture on facebook is either a “Yes” or Baba’s picture or a slaughtered dove. A flag is faggoty and unpatriotic!
24. Say your factory is closing down. Your company is bankrupt and your marriage is in danger. Social turmoil is a result of a wicked revolution.
25. Never say the martyrs. Say the dead. If they ask you for an explanation tell them only god knows who’s a martyr and who’s not. And though your dad died while running after his favorite poodle you call him a martyr so does your mom!
26. Here on: Mortada Mansour is a hero to you. Name your unborn child Mortada!
27. For women: Tell your very close friends that you were kidnapped and raped repeatedly and the rapist(s) kept shouting: foloul, foloul as he spanked you mercilessly! hide your thrill!
28. Read youm7 and spread it’s news. It’s the only periodical worth reading after Momtaz El-Ott tragic resignation.
29. Whenever you have the chance say this country needs a tough man with a strong grip and long whip! and that demo-cracy is demo-nic for those who can read correctly!
30. Drive fast and look busy. Frown as you avoid running over a street crosser but if you made sure he’s one of the rebels run him over, twice!
31. On Thursday nights dump your usual bugsbunny kinky outfit, wear a policeman’s uniform and threaten your wife you’ll fire tear gas if she doesn’t obey! Just look stupid and heartless. It works!
32. Say after me: The snipers in Tahrir were Americans, The drivers of the vans that ran people over were British and the guys who looted all the beef ribs shops and pizzerias were Israelis.
33. Post every video of Al-Howainy, Yaqoub or Shouman on your facebook wall. Share it and write the following comment: Only Baba knew how to control them. Only Baba Can. Only Baba, Baba…
34. Threaten to vote for Tawfiq Okasha and tell your friends: “he’s the only viable option”. Make sure you convince them, if you couldn’t, suggest Mortada. Everyone loves Mortada!
35. Finally, Pray for Baba, for if he got hanged and he might, you will always be able to visit his grave, it’s air conditioned, has an international phone and guess what: he built it with your money!